I’d like to share and unpack a major theme that has arisen from the counselling space over the past month—that of loneliness.

Loneliness is, among other things, the contemporary illness—a major pandemic sweeping across the developed world; and studies suggest it is as bad for our health as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

At the clinic, the issue of loneliness rears its head in inconspicuous ways.

Speaking with a middle-aged woman whom I’ll call Jenn, I was struck by her utter lack of self-worth and pervasive sense of meaninglessness. Materially, things were well in order, yet the psychological and spiritual components were far below the proverbial red line. It saddened me to hear how little she thought others cared, and whether they even spared a thought for her.

That said, this enduring loneliness isn’t only Jenn’s to carry, for she is a constituent of her community, an active participant in the lives of others. As psychotherapist Francis Weller writes in his beautiful book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, “A healthy village requires healthy individuals. And to become a healthy individual, you need a healthy village. They are mirrors of one another. The one supporting the other.”

This is, in part, why my method of therapy is so relational. I do not subscribe to the notion that our mental health exists in a vacuum and that merely picking ourselves up by our bootstraps—exercising more, waking up earlier, working harder in our careers, achieving goals etc.—will lead to greater wellbeing. Of course, they help, but we are social creatures. We are so social, in fact, that we can punish the most anti-social people in the world—criminals—by isolating them.

Let that sink in…

That is how much we don’t like feeling lonely. And that is why the therapeutic relationship lies at the heart of my therapeutic approach.

Francis Weller also writes, “Simply being who we are confirms our place in the village. That is one of the fundamental understandings about gifts: we can only offer them by being ourselves fully. Gifts are a consequence of authenticity; when we are being true to our natures, our gifts can emerge.”

I believe that finding ourselves in and through relationship will help ‘confirm our place in the village’. That is where we will find our meaning: when we know that our authenticity matters to those closest to us.

If you feel lonely, try, if you can, firstly to deepen into your authenticity. Getting to know yourself first is key. You may be quite introverted; your ‘loved’ ones may be the plants in your backyard, God, or your fury babies. Enter into your inner citadel and touch the place within, the place only you have access to—your essential being. Then, share your authenticity, your sacred self, with those you trust.

Bridging that gap between who the world sees and how you know yourself—who you really are—with reduce that horribly pervasive, dull ache of isolation, engendering a warm sense of aliveness. The self is a product of the critical appraisal of others.

Loneliness dies in the face of relational depth. For when you feel truly valued; when you know you really mean something to someone else—then, and only then, do you feel worthy.

I wish you all the best on your journey, fellow traveller.