In couples counselling, conflict resolution often begins with uncovering what lies beneath the surface. At its core, conflict isn’t just about disagreements over chores, money, or parenting—it’s about identity. When we feel triggered, it’s often because something fundamental about how we see ourselves or the world feels threatened.

But here’s the paradox: real resolution doesn’t happen in the heat of the moment. It happens when we “strike while the iron’s cold.” When we’re regulated, calm, and curious, we create the space to explore what’s really going on beneath the tension.

Instead of reacting to our partner’s words or actions, we can pause and ask ourselves:

1. What does this situation mean to me, and why has it touched on something personal?
2. What might it mean to them, and what about it feels personal?

By getting curious about our spouse’s worldview—their unique experiences, values, and needs—we move from opposition to understanding. And in that understanding, something powerful happens: the walls of defensiveness come down, and in their place, intimacy and connection begin to grow.

Conflict doesn’t have to pull you apart. When approached with curiosity and regulation, it can become a doorway to greater closeness, deeper connection, and a relationship that honours both partners’ needs and perspectives—the difference and the juice that brought you to together initially.

And remember: when things are getting heated, you can always breathe, slow down, and tell your partner how you feel.