In every relationship, there comes a time when you and your partner seem stuck in a conversation—or maybe even an ongoing conflict—that feels impossible to resolve. This is what Dr. John Gottman refers to as gridlocked communication. It’s that moment when you’re at a standstill, each holding onto your point of view, and no matter how much you talk, you end up in the same frustrating loop.

One of the most common causes of gridlock is two deeply held, conflicting ideas about what should happen in the relationship. For example:

– Partner A wants to move closer to family for a sense of support and belonging.

– Partner B values independence and dreams of living abroad, far from family obligations.

On the surface, this feels irreconcilable. Both partners’ needs and dreams are valid, yet they pull in opposite directions. What do you do when neither person is “wrong,” but compromise feels impossible?

What Gottman Research Teaches Us

Dr. Gottman’s work highlights two key strategies to break out of gridlock:

1. Identify the Dreams Beneath the Conflict

Gridlock often signals that deeper, core values or dreams are at stake. Partner A may not just want proximity to family—they might be longing for emotional connection, community, or support as they raise children. Partner B may not just want to live abroad—they could be yearning for freedom, adventure, or personal growth. By uncovering these underlying dreams, the conversation moves away from positions (“we must move closer to family”) to needs (“I want to feel supported” or “I want to feel alive through adventure”).

2. Accept Influence

Gottman’s research shows that healthy couples are skilled at accepting influence from one another. This means being open to understanding and incorporating your partner’s perspective into your own. It doesn’t mean giving up your values or dreams—it means showing a willingness to listen deeply, validate their feelings, and explore solutions together.

For example, Partner B might say, “I understand why staying near family feels so important to you. It makes sense that you’d want that kind of support and connection.” And Partner A might say, “I can see how much the idea of adventure excites you, and I want you to feel fulfilled too.” From this place of mutual understanding, creative solutions—like living abroad temporarily or moving closer to family later in life—become possible.

Moving Forward…

Gridlock doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed; it’s an opportunity for growth. When you slow down, get curious about each other’s dreams, and approach the conflict as a team, you’ll find ways to honour both of your needs.

What about you? Have you and your partner ever been gridlocked in a big decision? What helped you move forward?