This is a question I get asked rather frequently (although it takes on many different forms).

For relationships to work, both partners have to be willing to transcend themselves. They have to view the relationship as a vessel for personal growth.

We are all deeply influenced by those we spend the most time with; and our partners and loved ones will undoubtedly influence us the most. The question is:

“Is my partner’s influence helping me becoming who I want to become? Or, is my partner’s influence preventing me from becoming who I want to become?”

Don’t worry about the difficulty or ease of the path. Instead, focus on the trajectory.

Now, there is no easy answer to this question.

It isn’t merely a propositional ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

But . . .

Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself to help guide you:

1. After we argue and I am left reflecting on the conflict, did my partner make some valid points—even if those points came with unfair criticisms and/or projections?

2. Am I being too easily influenced by my partner? In other words, is the fact that I no longer feel like myself anymore because I am playing an active role in sacrificing very important parts of me i.e., friends, hobbies, personal goals etc.

3. Are they being controlling, or am I being a people-pleaser (HINT: the answer is usually both!)

4. If we broke up tomorrow, would I likely find myself in a similar relational pattern with my next (hypothetical) partner?

5. Am I stuck, stagnated and/or at an impasse? Or, if I were being true to myself, am I not saying something that I really should say?

Answering these questions won’t solve the deep problems for you, but they may set you on a path toward greater clarity and, hopefully, authenticity.

I wish you all the best on your journey!