Why Becoming More Self Aware Increases Anxiety—And What To Do About It

“In our personal lives, if we do not develop our own self-awareness and become responsible for first creations, we empower other people and circumstances to shape our lives by default.” – Stephen Covey

I really love working as a therapist. It is a wonderful privilege to be introduced to the truth of who someone is, as soon as they walk into my room, without having to make small talk first. Naturally, both client and clinician must feel comfortable with one another—and I’m quick to mention to everyone I work with that we should “all” be selfish with our mental health, which also means being selfish who we choose to speak to. Still, what therapy offers, both to those seeking it as well as the therapists themselves, is brilliant.

I am a big believer in talk therapy, having sought it many times in the past. What helps me, both personally and professionally, is the use of analogy and metaphor to conceptualise therapeutic ideas. Psychology can be complicated. The mind is ripe with paradoxes. Here are some of my favourite:

1. People often give advice they, themselves, can’t seem to follow.
2. By chasing happiness, we remain unhappy.
3. More choice leads to more indecisiveness and uncertainty (anxiety).
4. By becoming more intimate with someone, we open ourselves up to more harm.
5. If you want it have it all, you have to give it all up (slightly more esoteric).

How on earth can we apply these ideas to our own lives? I have taken the viewpoint that being able to see how something makes sense as opposed to merely hearing the words, helps us embody the ideas and act them out. One of these ideas is about how to view the healing journey as a whole.

In the beginning, people usually engage in counselling because they are going through something difficult. After a few sessions, clarity might have eased some of their pain. In doing so, bigger or more existential ‘pains’ boil to the surface, having laid dormant, suppressed by the more “trivial” concerns of the day. It is not uncommon for clients to mention the following, in one way or another:

1. “Now that I have anxiety, will I ever not be anxious?”  
2. “I wish I could go back to when I didn’t know about all of this. All this self-awareness has helped, but it feels like I’m more sensitive to the world now, and to myself.”
3. “I envy people who are happy just going to work, coming home, then having a wine to cap off the day.”

This leads me to a sixth—not so much paradox, but painful inevitability—of the mind: The cost of greater self-awareness is sensitivity to the experience of being.  

Think of it like this:

In the beginning, we are unaware that we live in a fenced-off, bathroom-sized pen, in an open field in the middle of nowhere, with ten food-deprived Beagles addicted to cocaine. Think of the Beagles as the thoughts in our minds, the mind being the pen. Remember: We don’t know this. We are unconscious to the truth of our experience. Then something happens—usually a major life event that forces us to stop, reflect and take stock. For the first time, we feel trapped and unable to “get out of our minds”. Why? Because living inside a bathroom-sized room isn’t big enough to feel comfortable (never mind the crazy Beagles who won’t ever settle). The fall into painful self-consciousness is marked by unbearable and insufferable “what-if” thoughts. Picking up the pieces and managing our lives from this more truthful viewpoint is difficult. So many questions, so many concerns.

When someone we love dies, some of us are forced to reckon with our own deaths. Deeper considerations that make us see life (and ourselves) differently often arise when we change jobs, have kids, move homes, experience illness or are exposed to tragic events on the news. For the first time in our lives, we see just how stuck we are and how hungry the Beagles are—as well as how long they’ve been trying to get us to feed them!

Eventually, with adherence to a more conscious way of living, we traverse from sickness to health to thriving. We do this by living healthier lives, ensuring we get enough sleep, eating healthier foods, managing our stress, befriending people who want the best for us, disciplining ourselves with consistent exercise and engaging in more meaningful work and quality time with loved ones. We also cultivate self-awareness, either by learning to meditate, keeping a journal, having frequent open, honest conversations or perhaps a combination of the above. Metaphorically, we are not only feeding the Beagles and helping them withdraw from their cocaine addiction; but also feeling into whether we enjoy living in such small confines with ten Beagles in the middle of nowhere. Becoming more self-aware and integrating what we learn is like perfectly melted butter on deliciously fermented sourdough bread that makes for an excellent way to break a fast. This is the way to navigate the healing journey—a way of living that eventually becomes not about healing but about conscious living. In a nutshell? Learn about yourself, then apply it.

Years into the journey and our predicament will undoubtedly be different. One can imagine living on wonderfully extravagant farm with plenty of room for the Beagles to run around outside. The Beagles are well-fed because we constantly check-in with them to see what they need. We make sure to full our own cup up first, adhering to morning routines or pleasantries before the chaos of the world demands our attention.

Over time, we do become more sensitive to the intricacies of life; but that is a good thing. We want to be more intuitive to our own needs, as well as who we are and what makes us tick. We want to “know thyself” so we can make “thyself” happy. Knowing a problem exists is better than not knowing—or worse, pretending it isn’t there. If we recognise a problem, then recognise it as our problem, we can do something about it. Responsibility is difficult but being able to make change is better than not being able to—and we can’t make change when we tell ourselves that our unhappiness is someone else’s fault.

It can sometimes seem like a pain to have to constantly tend to our minds like a garden, especially in the beginning, when no habits have yet been formed. But doing so keep the Beagles happy, the lawns mowed, the house cleaned and the coffee warm.

I know it can seem like a lot in the beginning of therapy. Yes, it’s true that we can’t ever go back to being “ignorant” and not knowing about the pains of the world, and the vulnerabilities or our predicament as finite human beings. The thing is, once we’re on the conscious path, there’s no getting off it. It won’t let us. The quicker we accept that, the quicker our lives will turn around for the better. So, keep the Beagles happy, become more self-aware, apply that learning and life will get better as the angel of death guides us toward his abode. As a favourite blogger of mine describes it, “Life is an upwards fall.” There’s another paradox for you.