Why the Season One Ending of Sex Life NEARLY Got it Right . . . But Didn’t

Binge-watching TV shows has become the norm. For my partner Siobhan and I, Sex Life approaches its season one finale nearly as soon as it began. We sit on the couch, our Beagles snoring beside us, eager to find out whether the protagonist, Billie, will stay true to her husband Cooper; or will she follow her nostalgic desire back to an old, handsome, Australian flame, Brad? Spoiler alert: Billie chooses both, pursuing passion and safety.

As the final scene approaches, we watch Billie run back to Brad’s Manhattan apartment after having spent seven previous episodes crippled with confusion as to which life she should choose: Stability (and boredom), or “the thrill” (and volatility). Now, having made her decision, she decides that she wants both and the show ends with her telling her ex to “fuck her”.

The credits roll and I cannot help but notice a sense of frustration brewing in my belly. Why, I wonder? I’m not one to care necessarily for good cinematography or casting. And the narration of the final scenes were inspiring: a call for female liberation, an appeal to transcend antiquated, oppressive ideologies. We, the viewers—and women especially—are left wondering: Why can’t we have our cake and eat it too? Is monogamy nothing more than a restricting, misogynistic creed hidden in the guise of virtuous, religious morals and ethics? All questions worthy of discussion . . . and then it hits me like a tonne of bricks. Now I realise what bothered me about the ending. Where was that discussion between Cooper and Billie? I realised, right then and there, that my frustrations weren’t emanating from the questions the show beckoned me to consider; but, rather, the fact that Billie didn’t care to tell her husband that she wanted both him and Brad. No matter how you look at it—the difficulties in their relationship aside—Billie had seemed to justify cheating on Cooper within the blink of an eye.

Although Billie and Cooper did attend a swingers party to try to “spice things up”, their night ended in calamity after Billie’s discomfort and Cooper’s frustrations culminated in an adulterous blow job, tears, and a fight between two best friends. This pushed the couple to breaking point and then a gradual easing of tensions before a six-month stint of seemingly healthy, conscious monogamy. The show then twisted the plot: Billie’s fantasies of Brad’s sexing sprung from the depths of her unconscious once again and hence proved too powerful for her morals. Cooper followed her location on an app on his iPhone in a fit of rage and resentment.

Questioning Ideas

One of the reasons why I love being a Counsellor is because the therapeutic setting is, among other things, an arena of idea exploration. Oftentimes, the ideas explored are those in which society condemns! These are the ideas that arise from subjective thoughts, feelings, fantasies and emotions deemed too reprehensible for dinner conversation. “But we aren’t at the dinner table”, I say, eagerly. “We are in therapy, and these ideas deserve some time in the spotlight.” Common threads appear. Clients tell me about what they wish they’d said to their bosses, how attractive they find their spouse’s friends (and what they’d like to do to them, as well as what their fetishes are); what they regret beyond anything and how often they think about the meaninglessness of life. (Suicide, I’ve come to notice, is considered a particularly dark and “wrong” thing to think about. I try to remind my clients that none of us choose to think of these things; they just sort of pop up or are influenced by events that happen outside ourselves.)

Extra-marital affairs and particularly, polyamory come up a lot. People are questioning preconceived notions and societal norms and that’s a great thing! Questioning everything, including ourselves is vital. We should, as the tattoo written in Latin on my left shoulder states, seek our own truth! But ‘questioning’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘dispensing with’, and it’s worthwhile we consider old ideas before disregarding them entirely. If we were to stumble upon a giant brick wall in the middle of a dark forest, what would we do? Turn back? Surely not. Knock it down? Perhaps. It is blocking our way. How about we stop and consider why it was built in the first place? Perhaps we could ask someone. Maybe it’s pointless? Or maybe it was trying to protect someone from something behind it.

Over 50% of Marriages End in Divorce

I once heard a comedian speak of the stat above—the stat we’ve all heard a thousand times over: “If that were about anything else, no one would sign up for it! The odds are awful!” The comedian wasn’t wrong, either! Human beings are wired for both novelty and stability. Evolutionarily, both were provided by the “tribe”, according to Christopher Ryan, author of Sex at Dawn. Now, given how individualistic our culture has become, we expect our partners to give us everything the tribe used to. We expect them to be our best friends, as well as our therapists, father- or mother-figures (without getting too Freudian), confidants, and keepers of sexual rejuvenation. These expectations are wildly unfair and impossible to meet—yet expect of them we do!

The question as to whether both novelty and stability can exist and blossom within monogamous relationships was explored at length by psychotherapist Esther Perel in her sensational book Mating in Captivity. Pertinently, Perel states: “We’re walking contradictions, seeking safety and predictability on one hand and thriving on diversity on the other.” Since the days of her writing, such exploration of contradiction has only grown.

In a previous blog, I conducted a cost/benefit analysis of both monogamy and polyamory and, whilst the details aren’t important for this writing, understanding the opportunity costs for both (because everything has an opportunity cost) is worthwhile when considering different relationship styles. Monogamy provides a container for deep growth with one other individual. Sure, our more primitive, evolutionary—yet no less significant—needs might be sacrificed as novelty inevitably wears thin; but many of the couples I’ve worked with speak about how the death of their honeymoon phase gave birth to something deeper and far more meaningful. In other words, sex, as the be-all-and-end-all of relationships, had to learn to share its place on the podium with other important relational aspects such as a shared vision, meaning and trust built from intimacy. For them, the intensity one experiences from desire, novelty and “newness” were a necessary sacrifice.

Then there were those whose sexuality shone too bright for the dim, stable hue of a monogamous flame. Likewise, in Sex Life, Billie’s most important, unmet need is thrilling sex. This is entirely her choice; “more power to her”, once again. But her husband Cooper, at least in my interpretation, should have been included in the final discussion.

With Healthy Communication, Anything Goes

What makes a relationship healthy? Is it monogamy? What about religion and good, traditional values conducive to one’s values? Is it a passionate sex life, a bunch of kids, or riches? Most people know the answer. It’s communication. Time and time again, academics point to communication being the vital ingredient that makes for a tasty relational Bolognese sauce. In a 2006 study, communication skills were associated with relationship satisfaction even after controlling for other potentially relevant factors such as attachment styles, problem-solving skills, and confidence.

In fact, the way we communicate to our spouses is so heavily implicated in relationship satisfaction that Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert, author (and happily married man!) was, in a 1992 study, able to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples in his experimental research program would end up in divorce! His findings were simple, and he aptly named the determining factors of divorce, the four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. The way we communicate to those we love is everything.

Does it make sense for us moderns to restrict ourselves to one partner for the rest of our lives? Maybe, maybe not. But if we are in a relationship, dialogue must ensue given someone else’s feelings are involved. Frankly, it frustrated me that season one of Sex Life nearly got it right . . . but didn’t. If only Billie could have asked Cooper whether he’d be okay with a polyamorous relationship. Maybe it could have worked! And we’d all be left with a healthy reminder that communication, once again, is the solution to all our problems. Nearly . . .

The Choice is Ours

Relationships change over time and what used to work doesn’t and won’t always. This is to be expected and, I would say, reflects healthy growth. Not discussing changing values, desires and interests over time only leads to decadence.

What we don’t discuss gets pushed under the rug. We like to think it goes away, but it doesn’t. It merely gets displaced and transferred. There is dark to light, night to day, and a shadow to everyone’s “socially acceptable” personality. By shining a light on the shadows of our nature—a nature we all share to varying degrees—we not only accept ourselves but give our partners the opportunity to do so as well.

On the plus side, Sex Life forced me to think, and for that, I applaud it. It is a provocative, yet insightful show, and it evokes a conversation that needs to be discussed. Again, for that, I applaud it. Cooper did try to meet Billie’s sexual needs. Billie did try to communicate. Despite desperate attempts, their relationship ended in divorce. But divorce needn’t be seen as a failure if both parties are honest in the process. That’s where communication comes into it, once again.

In the end, I concluded that the themes surrounding Sex Life are dynamic and ever-changing. Although the science says that psychological stability, a growth mindset, conscientiousness, and a secure attachment style, together, have the best predictive ability of long-term dating success, one’s needs are, and always will be, unique. Finding the courage to express our needs, therefore, is the adventure of each of our relational lives, no matter how we choose to live. And, as the great French existential philosopher wrote: “Ne pas choisir c’est encore choisir”: Not choosing is still a choice. If the twentieth century philosopher Alan Watts were to respond to his French counterpart, he’d say what he told us all many years ago: “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” And if we do, we will have the adventure of our lives. Communicate honestly to those you love and enjoy the ride (you can take that to mean whatever you’d like it to).